Free Write - Feb. 24

Is there a finer food than Little Debbie's Fudge Rounds? If there is, I’m sure I have never tasted it. In fact, the complete gastronomical bliss attained while delicately savoring one of these divine bestowals of nature is utterly incomparable. Nothing on this planet can even approach the Fudge Round in its deliciousness or the spiritual fulfillment it provides. In fact, most other sugary treats will hide their faces in shame, knowing that they are not worthy to share a cupboard with Diminutive Debbie’s masterpiece. Many’s the time I have observed Ho-ho’s, Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and Macaroons shy away from the pure, untainted presence of the Round. Even the presumptuous Oreo, with her self-absorbed conceit, cannot face the grace and simplicity of the treasured Fudge Round’s all-appeasing beauty without blushing. O, Oreo. You think you are perfect. You presume that we all crave you constantly. But we don’t. We don’t. There are times when that dry crumbliness of Oreo does nothing to a sweet tooth. There are times, and we all know them, when the only thing to quench our needs is a small, chocolaty, tantalizing slice of paradise individually wrapped by the gentle hands of Deborah herself. If Little Debbie were to assume human form (and I don’t think all her glory could be contained in the flesh), I would propose on the spot (if my wife let me).

Rhetorical Analysis - Feb. 21

"The Eagle and The Hawk" by John Denver

I'm not really sure how to analyze a song. Most songs, as far as I know, don't present an "argument". Some may, but not the music I listen to. After all, why would you risk writing a song that people won't listen to because they don't agree with you? I immediately change the station when I hear a song whose theme I don't agree with or can't identify with. So, I guess I'll just do the best I can. In the song "The Eagle and The Hawk" by John Denver, the idea is really that nature can help you become who you really are.

"I am the eagle, I live in high country
In rocky cathedrals that reach to the sky.
I am the hawk and there's blood on my feathers,
But time is still turning - they soon will be dry.
And all of those who see me, all who believe in me
Share in the freedom I feel when I fly.
Come dance with the west wind and touch on the mountain tops,
Sail o'er the canyons and up to the stars,
And reach for the heavens and hope for the future
And all that we can be and not what we are."

As cheesy as the words sometimes seem, Denver (or Dutchendorf, if you're an aficionado like me) is trying to say that the freedom of nature is a way to get out of the rut you're in. The song is very typical for the style he sings. It is more musical than beat-based, with crescendos and scale runs as a backdrop for a melody that tries to represent the flight of a bird: high, floating, and rhythmic. Even the choices of rhythms try to portray the pattern of wings flapping by raising quickly and dropping slowly.
Songs like this have a hard time being truly persuasive. If you don't like folky/country music, the words will never help you. Often, melodies and styles do more convincing than words. However, if you can put aside your bias against country and folk-style music, this song does the job. If you listen to this song with the volume up all the way and still don't feel like you have control over your life (or at least want to go for a day-long hike), then my personal opinion is that you weren't really listening.
I suppose the audience is people that feel like their life is getting away from them, but know that there is a way to get back in the driver's seat. At least for me, this song always makes me feel like I'm actually looking up at a hawk flying above me, and it reminds of the feeling we all get when we see flight: limitless possibilities. No one thinks of flight and equates it with constraint or borders. If you think of flight, and imagine that YOU are the hawk in the sky, you will never feel trapped. I think that was what my good friend Johnny was going for. He was trying to make you think of flying, trying to make you realize that you are part of NATURE, not just this bustlingly metallic world. Anyway, this is my best shot at analyzing a song.

Technique - Feb. 19

So, apparently we can just brain-storm this week. I can't guarantee anything brilliant, since my brain doesn't storm too much (not like Schwarzkopf, anyway). Energy? I guess I'll just list some of the topics I'd like to research ("like" is a relative term here, since I voted for the government topic) (Esplin, I'm sticking my tongue out at you right now. Yeah. How do you like that?).
1. What are the pros and cons of renewable fuels? Wind turbines are very clean, but only run when there's wind. Also, they require quite a bit of space to set up enough turbines to power anything larger than a few homes. Hydro-electric energy is wonderful, but only so many rivers can be dammed up, you know? Powering automobiles on biodiesel stinks (literally), but it makes use of some wastes (like cooking oils and organic trash). Some "green" fuels, though, require acres and acres of land to produce enough plant product for a feasible return.
2. Exactly how much would it cost to switch modern cities to renewable fuels? How big of a dam would we need to power New York City? How many wind turbines does it take to light up a neighborhood? How many New Jersey gangsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? These questions almost burn kind of faintly in my mind. (The answer is 6, by the way. One gangster to off the old light bulb and his close friends, one to procure a slightly used, untraceable light bulb from a recent shipment in at the docks, one to screw it in, and three to scare the light bulb into paying them protection money. How do I know this number? I have my contacts. Thanks, Jimmy. See you in the Meadowlands.)
3. How much is the government interested in reimbursing regular citizens for efficiency upgrades? I got paid $300 for putting air conditioning in my house. What else do they incentivize? incentivate? incentivify?
4. Exactly how much oil does the US consume daily for energy (not counting cars, trucks, etc.), and how much does it spend on renewable resources?
5. Can switching to cleaner fuels now actual reverse ecological damage, or does it just halt it?
6. Will Batman and the Boy Wonder be able to escape the Riddler's spinning question mark of doom? Will Commissioner Gordon ever leave his office to do anything other than call Batman on the screamingly obvious Bat-phone? Will I actually hear the sounds "biff", "zappo", and "ka-plow" if I punch one of Penguin's henchmen? Tune in tomorrow. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

Free Write - Feb. 17

This weekend, my wife and I are at the Zermatt resort. We received two free nights here as part of some promotion at work. How nice. So, it's this world class resort in Midway, has been stayed in by Olympians, rich snobby types, and superficial ski junkies alike. Let me tell you, I was not impressed. I guess I shouldn't write this, since I am using their internet connection. But, they should welcome the criticism, no?
Walking in, I was almost impressed by the entryway. Stone flooring, nice counters, etc. Big fireplace, big mantle, carved statues, and the whole works. Then I looked closlier. The fireplace was one of those cheesy gas ones with the fake logs. The carved statues were ceramic, not wood. The crests and shields on the mantle were poorly carved and even more poorly painted. Minus 3 points for them. I thought that an Olympic-famous ski lodge would pony up for a REAL fireplace.
Next, we walked to our rooms. The carpets were the kind that make you wonder if either your grandmother or a color-blind dark age beer wench picked them out. The walls in our room were so thin that your could hear the people in the next room talking on the phone.
So, my wife and I decided that perhaps just our room was the worthless one. We went exploring. The staff scared me. Some of them were wearing jogging suits. Some of them didn't speak English very well. Some of them were wearing pants down around their butts and unlaced Vans. And, to complete the shockingly odd entourage, all the bellmen were wearing lederhosen and funky Swiss hats. Kind of like the Klopek kid from "The Burbs". You remember him. With the creepy facial hair and the pasty-white skin. O, yes. Not only was he a little freaky in "The Burbs", but he remains his old freaky self here in Midway, bustling people's bags off to their rooms.
Have you ever seen real Swiss architecture? I'm sorry, but the Swiss' creative prowess ended at hole-filled cheese. Dancing bears, weird floral patterns, paintings with vaguely uncomfortable scenes of people dressed like British sissies in court. Not exactly 5 star, you know? Maybe our experience was unique. Maybe my wife and I are just spoiled, having lived in Alaska, Hawai'i, and Europe. I suppose I shouldn't complain, since we stayed for free. But I can't help but wonder: if this resort is so swanky, then why did they hire Hans Klopek?

Rhetorical Analysis - Feb. 7

I recently attended one of those "get a free vacation if you listen to our pitch" things at a timeshare company. The pitch was simple, easy to understand, and fairly unremarkable.
Audience: Obviously, it was people with some money to spend who like to travel
Ethos: Credibility was established through pictures of resorts, customer reviews, and the presence of other customers in the store.
Logos: The salesman tried to appeal to logic by crunching numbers, comparing how much a hotel room costs to the average cost per stay at a timeshare location.
Pathos: The only emotion played on was the desire to travel, trying to convince the customer that traveling will improve the quality of life.

Sufficient: The sales pitch was long enough to get the information across, but short enough to not be boring. Also, the argument was presented in a way that enough information was left out to make the customer want to hear more.
Typical: Having never attended one of these sales pitches, I can't say if it's typical of the industry, but it was pretty much what anyone would expect for a sales pitch. Nothing to catch the consumer off-guard, no unheard-of gimmicks, etc.
Accurate: As far as I could tell, all the information given was accurate, up-to-date, and comprehensible to the average consumer.
Relevant: While the salesperson did spend some time asking us personal questions, all the answers we gave were later incorporated into the pitch. There were few, if any, tangents, and almost all of the presentation was to the point.

Free Write - Feb. 5

In semantics class, we talked about the differences between how men and women phrase things. The example used was as follows:
A man and woman are on a long drive home.
Woman: “Are you thirsty?”
Man: “Nope.”
Upon returning home, the woman then turns to the man and scolds him for being insensitive and not stopping to get her a drink.
Of course we all laugh, but secretly, every married or involved guy cringed as he read that, remembering the many and not infrequent occasions this has happened to him. I have the double whammy, though. Not only is my wife a typical female who makes statements like the above, but she is from a closely knit family in which they all finish the others’ sentences, leading to the assumption that sentences do not have to be finished by the speaker, and that everyone automatically knows what you’re talking about, so you never have to introduce a topic. This can lead to humorous situations, but more often leaves me confused. If my wife and I are talking about Charlie’s Angels, then we switch to talking about Hondas, then we switch to talking about Canadian geese, then we switch to talking about kidney stones, my wife (and the members of her family) would see fit to bring back the subject of Charlie’s Angels by saying out of the blue “I sure do like them”, never saying whether the “them” referred to Hondas, kidney stones, geese, or Angels. Another common occurrence is at a restaurant. If I order something different from her, she will inevitably ask me if my dish tastes good. This question carries with it the assumption that if, indeed, my dish DOES taste good, then I should gladly share it with her so she can enjoy it as well. After that comes the assumption that if my dish does NOT taste good, then she would need a bite to confirm that my dish does NOT taste good. Either way, some of my food ends up on her fork.