1. a - WATCO texting while driving on the chances of you getting in a wreck?
b - People who think that they can successfully control both their cell phone AND their car at the same time.
c - Texting while driving will raise the chances of getting in a wreck BECAUSE concentrating on anything besides driving will cause you to stray from your lane often.
2. a - WATCO eating nothing but carrots and cappuccinos on your health?
b - Self-conscious people who think that the weird "carrot and cappuccino" diet will make them thin and not affect their health.
c - Eating nothing but carrots and cappuccinos will ruin your health BECAUSE overloading on certain substances while ignoring others will weaken your immune system and decrease bone density.
3. a - WATCO climbing Mt. Everest without ever training on your lifespan?
b - Gungho executive types who believe that money alone will get them to the world's highest point.
c - Climbing Mt. Everest without training will shorten your lifespan greatly BECAUSE the inability to cope with difficult conditions and the physical inability to react to sudden situations over 25,000 ft. above sea-level will most likely result in extremely severe frostbite and pulmonary edema.
4. a - WATCO telling your wife that her dress DOES make her look fat on your comfort tonight?
b - Tired husbands who think that maybe today, for once, honesty should win over, and their wife should know the truth instead of hearing another little white lie.
c - Telling your wife that her dress DOES make her look fat will completely shatter your comfort tonight BECAUSE an angry wife will most likely make you sleep on the sofa.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Free Write - Jan. 29
"Bobo, the Magical Beagle"
Once upon a time, there lived a remarkably unremarkable beagle named Bobo. As far as beagles go, he was fairly average. Right up there with Tinkly-Winkly, Snuggles McCuddlyflop, and Butch, all three being irresistibly normal beagles themselves. Yes, Bobo matched every other beagle in floppy-earedness, cuddlocity, and sad-eye-aciousness. He lived in a typical beagle den, which had a typical beagle doormat on a typical beagle front step. His bedroom was typically beagle-esque, having in it a fuzzy bed, several chewy bones, and numerous pictures of Jennifer Grey. Pre-nose job, when she looked innocent in an adult-like fashion, like she looked in Dirty Dancing, which is, in fact, the very reason why all male beagles have posters of Jennifer Grey in the first place. Female beagles are known for their somewhat inexplicable, yet somewhat understandable, attraction to Patrick Swayze, mostly due to the same movie that inspires male beagles, and partially due to his stunning career in Disney on Parade. But that’s another barrel of fish.
Gazing from his window, Bobo wondered to himself if his evolution to the present had taken him so far from his origins as a forest-dwelling rabbit hunter that he could not survive in the wild. Could his captivatingly cute looks keep him safe in the woods? Would his waggedy tail ward off the dangers that so often beset domesticated animals when released into the wild? Being a slightly adventurous beagle, he made the decision to wander off into the vast unknown forest near Beagleton, taking with him nothing but his exceptionally floppy ears, his fabulously waggedy tail, and that adorable puppy-dog look that has long been the main weapon in beagles’ snuggly arsenal, all ready for any sudden situation that may warrant an onslaught of “Awwwwwlookathimhe’ssocute”. During his first night in the forest, Bobo remarked to himself how cold it got without his fuzzy bed. He also could not help but notice how lonely it got without Jennifer Grey’s intoxicating gaze watching over him in his adorable puppy-sleep. Settling into a burrow of dried grass and pine needles he had used to create a bed (he could not wipe the smug look off his face, thinking of how, were the other beagles of Beagleton to see him, they would “Oooo” and “Ahhhh” at his Man-vs-Wild-ness), Bobo dreamt of bigger and better things than his small den. He dreamed of traveling to Hollywood to achieve the dream of all beagles: becoming the lap dog of the incomparable Jennifer Grey. He was almost asleep, kicking his hind leg absent-mindedly, fluttering his perfectly cuddly eyelids. And then he was eaten by a pack of ravenous wolves. And thus we see that beagles, cute though they may be, will never be able to reinhabit the wild, and so should be adopted into warm homes with plenty of love, food, and a weekly viewing of “Dirty Dancing”.
Once upon a time, there lived a remarkably unremarkable beagle named Bobo. As far as beagles go, he was fairly average. Right up there with Tinkly-Winkly, Snuggles McCuddlyflop, and Butch, all three being irresistibly normal beagles themselves. Yes, Bobo matched every other beagle in floppy-earedness, cuddlocity, and sad-eye-aciousness. He lived in a typical beagle den, which had a typical beagle doormat on a typical beagle front step. His bedroom was typically beagle-esque, having in it a fuzzy bed, several chewy bones, and numerous pictures of Jennifer Grey. Pre-nose job, when she looked innocent in an adult-like fashion, like she looked in Dirty Dancing, which is, in fact, the very reason why all male beagles have posters of Jennifer Grey in the first place. Female beagles are known for their somewhat inexplicable, yet somewhat understandable, attraction to Patrick Swayze, mostly due to the same movie that inspires male beagles, and partially due to his stunning career in Disney on Parade. But that’s another barrel of fish.
Gazing from his window, Bobo wondered to himself if his evolution to the present had taken him so far from his origins as a forest-dwelling rabbit hunter that he could not survive in the wild. Could his captivatingly cute looks keep him safe in the woods? Would his waggedy tail ward off the dangers that so often beset domesticated animals when released into the wild? Being a slightly adventurous beagle, he made the decision to wander off into the vast unknown forest near Beagleton, taking with him nothing but his exceptionally floppy ears, his fabulously waggedy tail, and that adorable puppy-dog look that has long been the main weapon in beagles’ snuggly arsenal, all ready for any sudden situation that may warrant an onslaught of “Awwwwwlookathimhe’ssocute”. During his first night in the forest, Bobo remarked to himself how cold it got without his fuzzy bed. He also could not help but notice how lonely it got without Jennifer Grey’s intoxicating gaze watching over him in his adorable puppy-sleep. Settling into a burrow of dried grass and pine needles he had used to create a bed (he could not wipe the smug look off his face, thinking of how, were the other beagles of Beagleton to see him, they would “Oooo” and “Ahhhh” at his Man-vs-Wild-ness), Bobo dreamt of bigger and better things than his small den. He dreamed of traveling to Hollywood to achieve the dream of all beagles: becoming the lap dog of the incomparable Jennifer Grey. He was almost asleep, kicking his hind leg absent-mindedly, fluttering his perfectly cuddly eyelids. And then he was eaten by a pack of ravenous wolves. And thus we see that beagles, cute though they may be, will never be able to reinhabit the wild, and so should be adopted into warm homes with plenty of love, food, and a weekly viewing of “Dirty Dancing”.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Technique - Jan. 27
1. a - WATCO playing video games all day on the chances of getting a girlfriend?
b - Audience: College-age men who spend hours of every day playing video games and then complain that they can't get a girlfriend.
c - Playing video games all day will crush your chances of getting a girlfriend BECAUSE doing worthless things with your time shows that you probably aren't mature enough to handle a relationship.
2. a - WATCO of not getting enough cardio activity on your ability to compete on American Gladiators?
b - Audience: People who are training to get onto American Gladiators, but think that muscle mass is all you need to win.
c - Not getting enough cardio activity will ruin your ability to compete on American Gladiators BECAUSE weak lungs will not impress Hulk Hogan.
3. a - WATCO feeding Gizmo after midnight on your chances of getting a good night's sleep?
b - Audience: Someone who owns Gizmo and feel sorry for him when he gets hungry at night.
c - Feeding Gizmo after midnight will destroy your chances of getting a good night's sleep BECAUSE evil, mischievous gremlins will make lots of noise and probably try to kill you.
4. a - WATCO admitting to your friends that you like "The Sound of Music" for its musical and ethical qualities on your manliness in their eyes?
b - Audience: Guys who have secretly liked "The Sound of Music" for years, but think that it's OK to admit it to their friends now because, hey, it's the 2000s, and everyone should be open with every feeling they have.
c - Admitting to your friends that you like "The Sound of Music" will diminish your manliness in their eyes BECAUSE declaring your affinity towards Julie Andrews will make them wonder what other femmy secrets you've been keeping from them.
b - Audience: College-age men who spend hours of every day playing video games and then complain that they can't get a girlfriend.
c - Playing video games all day will crush your chances of getting a girlfriend BECAUSE doing worthless things with your time shows that you probably aren't mature enough to handle a relationship.
2. a - WATCO of not getting enough cardio activity on your ability to compete on American Gladiators?
b - Audience: People who are training to get onto American Gladiators, but think that muscle mass is all you need to win.
c - Not getting enough cardio activity will ruin your ability to compete on American Gladiators BECAUSE weak lungs will not impress Hulk Hogan.
3. a - WATCO feeding Gizmo after midnight on your chances of getting a good night's sleep?
b - Audience: Someone who owns Gizmo and feel sorry for him when he gets hungry at night.
c - Feeding Gizmo after midnight will destroy your chances of getting a good night's sleep BECAUSE evil, mischievous gremlins will make lots of noise and probably try to kill you.
4. a - WATCO admitting to your friends that you like "The Sound of Music" for its musical and ethical qualities on your manliness in their eyes?
b - Audience: Guys who have secretly liked "The Sound of Music" for years, but think that it's OK to admit it to their friends now because, hey, it's the 2000s, and everyone should be open with every feeling they have.
c - Admitting to your friends that you like "The Sound of Music" will diminish your manliness in their eyes BECAUSE declaring your affinity towards Julie Andrews will make them wonder what other femmy secrets you've been keeping from them.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Free Write - Jan. 22
"Under God"
It has always been a matter if intrigue to me. “Under God”. The reason this statement intrigues me is not the statement itself, but rather the riled sentiments that come about by it. In the last few years, a man attempted to have it removed from the pledge of allegiance, claiming that he, as an “atheist”, did not want his daughter to be forced to say those two words. What I don’t understand is WHY he was so upset. Never has “god” been defined as the Christian God, the God of Islam, or any other specific entity. The pledge of allegiance just says “God”. Quite simply, “god” is the power that got you here, and back to which you will someday return. For that reason, I hold that I have never met a true “atheist”. There may be those who deny “God” as a being, but no one ever said that’s what “God” has to be. For those who believe in Fate, that is who created their circumstances, and who controls their future. Fate is then God. For those who believe in science, evolution, and nature, those are the things that created them, and those are the end products of existence. Nature is then God. For those that worship Satan, he is their interloper, and the one to which they hope to return*. There is ALWAYS a god of some sorts. No one ever said that “God” had to have a white beard, robes, be male, or even have a physical representation. But there is always someone or something that got us here and that ultimately (whether consciously or not) gets us where we’re going. So, if there is always a “God”, then shouldn’t we, as a nation, be under Him/Her/It/Them? After all, that is what the concept of America is: people of different beliefs, backgrounds, and morals all united to improve their lives. We don’t all have to pray to Buddha or aspire to sing with angels or read the Torah or leave offerings on altars for the Spirit of the Sun TOGETHER. The key idea is that we are united under SOMETHING, and that we all recognize that that SOMETHING is higher than us, no matter what that SOMETHING may be.
*By the way, Satanism has always confused me. Even sadists, masochists, and Satanists like pleasure, comfort, rest, and sustenance, though their ideology may be against it. So they really want to spend eternity in a lake of unending misery and torture? I personally do not think they do. So they want a heaven, correct? But, honestly, can you picture the Source of All Evil sitting on a sun-soaked beach, smiling, sipping piña coladas and laughing it up with all his demon hoards?
It has always been a matter if intrigue to me. “Under God”. The reason this statement intrigues me is not the statement itself, but rather the riled sentiments that come about by it. In the last few years, a man attempted to have it removed from the pledge of allegiance, claiming that he, as an “atheist”, did not want his daughter to be forced to say those two words. What I don’t understand is WHY he was so upset. Never has “god” been defined as the Christian God, the God of Islam, or any other specific entity. The pledge of allegiance just says “God”. Quite simply, “god” is the power that got you here, and back to which you will someday return. For that reason, I hold that I have never met a true “atheist”. There may be those who deny “God” as a being, but no one ever said that’s what “God” has to be. For those who believe in Fate, that is who created their circumstances, and who controls their future. Fate is then God. For those who believe in science, evolution, and nature, those are the things that created them, and those are the end products of existence. Nature is then God. For those that worship Satan, he is their interloper, and the one to which they hope to return*. There is ALWAYS a god of some sorts. No one ever said that “God” had to have a white beard, robes, be male, or even have a physical representation. But there is always someone or something that got us here and that ultimately (whether consciously or not) gets us where we’re going. So, if there is always a “God”, then shouldn’t we, as a nation, be under Him/Her/It/Them? After all, that is what the concept of America is: people of different beliefs, backgrounds, and morals all united to improve their lives. We don’t all have to pray to Buddha or aspire to sing with angels or read the Torah or leave offerings on altars for the Spirit of the Sun TOGETHER. The key idea is that we are united under SOMETHING, and that we all recognize that that SOMETHING is higher than us, no matter what that SOMETHING may be.
*By the way, Satanism has always confused me. Even sadists, masochists, and Satanists like pleasure, comfort, rest, and sustenance, though their ideology may be against it. So they really want to spend eternity in a lake of unending misery and torture? I personally do not think they do. So they want a heaven, correct? But, honestly, can you picture the Source of All Evil sitting on a sun-soaked beach, smiling, sipping piña coladas and laughing it up with all his demon hoards?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Technique - Enthymemes
1. a - WATCO owning a dog on emotional well-being?
b - Audience is lonely old men with no kids
c - Owning a dog will improve emotional well-being b/c owning a dog gives you someone to care for and love
2. a - WATCO not having a job on the chances of getting a girlfriend?
b - Audience is slacker college students who mooch off their parents
c - Not having a job will hinder your chances of getting a girlfriend b/c not having a job shows that you do not care about your current or even future economic stability
3. a - WATCO lying to your wife about what you did all day on your relationship's stability?
b - Audience is husbands who spend time at friends' houses when they should be working, and think they can get away with it
c - Lying to your wife about what you did all day will ruin your relationship's stability b/c lying to your wife will always come back to show her that you don't trust her
4. a - WATCO becoming a lawyer on the amount of quality time you can spend with your family?
b - Graduate school students consdering going through law school, hoping to be able to spend time with their kids
c - Becoming a lawyer will restrict the amount of quality time you can spend with your family b/c becoming a lawyer will require massive amounts of overtime and travel
b - Audience is lonely old men with no kids
c - Owning a dog will improve emotional well-being b/c owning a dog gives you someone to care for and love
2. a - WATCO not having a job on the chances of getting a girlfriend?
b - Audience is slacker college students who mooch off their parents
c - Not having a job will hinder your chances of getting a girlfriend b/c not having a job shows that you do not care about your current or even future economic stability
3. a - WATCO lying to your wife about what you did all day on your relationship's stability?
b - Audience is husbands who spend time at friends' houses when they should be working, and think they can get away with it
c - Lying to your wife about what you did all day will ruin your relationship's stability b/c lying to your wife will always come back to show her that you don't trust her
4. a - WATCO becoming a lawyer on the amount of quality time you can spend with your family?
b - Graduate school students consdering going through law school, hoping to be able to spend time with their kids
c - Becoming a lawyer will restrict the amount of quality time you can spend with your family b/c becoming a lawyer will require massive amounts of overtime and travel
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Free Write - Jan. 15
I have always been confused by women. Like most men, their apparent lack of logic has been a topic for deep thought and even deeper frustration. Being now married, I have learned to just accept my wife's occasional wandering from sanity, and love her for who she is. There is one thing, above all, though, that still gets my goat. Or, at least, if I had a goat, it would be gotten thereby.
Long have the words "You're so shallow! All you care about is looks!" echoed in the emotionally-abused ears of men from every corner of the globe. These two short sentences encompass all the deceiving self-righteousness of uppity women throughout the ages. And while these stinging barbs of criticism sink their poison into the minds of confused males, those same females smear on lipstick, blush, eye-liner, cover-up, earrings, jewelry, girdles, waist-slimming pantyhose, high-heels, push-up bras, fake nails, and fake eyelashes. Then, to top it all off, they cover up all these cover-ups with latest (however horrible) fashion in clothes. They dye their hair, bleach their teeth, wax goodness-knows-what, inject botox, pluck their eyebrows to finely-sharpened spears of hair, and enlarge, reduce, rearrange, and modify almost every body part possible. What I have always wondered is why WE, as males, are the shallow ones who only care about looks? While we may be somewhat base, we are not so superficial as to alter our bodies so that other people's opinions will make us feel good about ourselves (it should be noted that all metro-sexual, hair-gelling, manicured, perfumed, and waxed males are also lumped in with women, as most have done little to distinguish themselves as men). Men have been happy with women's looks for thousands of years (and don't tell me that you do it for men, because we all know that getting dressed in the morning is, for women, preparation for some invisible, unending competition between estrogen-bearing beings). If no woman on earth ever had plastic surgery, no real man would care. If no woman on earth ever wore makeup or dyed their hair, we would never notice. Just take care of your body, and you'll be fine the way you are, no matter what Cosmo or Victoria OR her Secret tell you.
Don't get me wrong. I find a well-groomed, makeup-ed, tweezed, waxed, well-dressed woman as attractive as any man does. But stop telling me I'm shallow.
Long have the words "You're so shallow! All you care about is looks!" echoed in the emotionally-abused ears of men from every corner of the globe. These two short sentences encompass all the deceiving self-righteousness of uppity women throughout the ages. And while these stinging barbs of criticism sink their poison into the minds of confused males, those same females smear on lipstick, blush, eye-liner, cover-up, earrings, jewelry, girdles, waist-slimming pantyhose, high-heels, push-up bras, fake nails, and fake eyelashes. Then, to top it all off, they cover up all these cover-ups with latest (however horrible) fashion in clothes. They dye their hair, bleach their teeth, wax goodness-knows-what, inject botox, pluck their eyebrows to finely-sharpened spears of hair, and enlarge, reduce, rearrange, and modify almost every body part possible. What I have always wondered is why WE, as males, are the shallow ones who only care about looks? While we may be somewhat base, we are not so superficial as to alter our bodies so that other people's opinions will make us feel good about ourselves (it should be noted that all metro-sexual, hair-gelling, manicured, perfumed, and waxed males are also lumped in with women, as most have done little to distinguish themselves as men). Men have been happy with women's looks for thousands of years (and don't tell me that you do it for men, because we all know that getting dressed in the morning is, for women, preparation for some invisible, unending competition between estrogen-bearing beings). If no woman on earth ever had plastic surgery, no real man would care. If no woman on earth ever wore makeup or dyed their hair, we would never notice. Just take care of your body, and you'll be fine the way you are, no matter what Cosmo or Victoria OR her Secret tell you.
Don't get me wrong. I find a well-groomed, makeup-ed, tweezed, waxed, well-dressed woman as attractive as any man does. But stop telling me I'm shallow.
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