Free Write - Feb. 17

This weekend, my wife and I are at the Zermatt resort. We received two free nights here as part of some promotion at work. How nice. So, it's this world class resort in Midway, has been stayed in by Olympians, rich snobby types, and superficial ski junkies alike. Let me tell you, I was not impressed. I guess I shouldn't write this, since I am using their internet connection. But, they should welcome the criticism, no?
Walking in, I was almost impressed by the entryway. Stone flooring, nice counters, etc. Big fireplace, big mantle, carved statues, and the whole works. Then I looked closlier. The fireplace was one of those cheesy gas ones with the fake logs. The carved statues were ceramic, not wood. The crests and shields on the mantle were poorly carved and even more poorly painted. Minus 3 points for them. I thought that an Olympic-famous ski lodge would pony up for a REAL fireplace.
Next, we walked to our rooms. The carpets were the kind that make you wonder if either your grandmother or a color-blind dark age beer wench picked them out. The walls in our room were so thin that your could hear the people in the next room talking on the phone.
So, my wife and I decided that perhaps just our room was the worthless one. We went exploring. The staff scared me. Some of them were wearing jogging suits. Some of them didn't speak English very well. Some of them were wearing pants down around their butts and unlaced Vans. And, to complete the shockingly odd entourage, all the bellmen were wearing lederhosen and funky Swiss hats. Kind of like the Klopek kid from "The Burbs". You remember him. With the creepy facial hair and the pasty-white skin. O, yes. Not only was he a little freaky in "The Burbs", but he remains his old freaky self here in Midway, bustling people's bags off to their rooms.
Have you ever seen real Swiss architecture? I'm sorry, but the Swiss' creative prowess ended at hole-filled cheese. Dancing bears, weird floral patterns, paintings with vaguely uncomfortable scenes of people dressed like British sissies in court. Not exactly 5 star, you know? Maybe our experience was unique. Maybe my wife and I are just spoiled, having lived in Alaska, Hawai'i, and Europe. I suppose I shouldn't complain, since we stayed for free. But I can't help but wonder: if this resort is so swanky, then why did they hire Hans Klopek?